Deane's Pick: Titanic II

Two days ago I mentioned a brush with pestilence, and I am unhappy to announce that today I am feeling like I should be the victim of a government quarantine. It is my own fault for volunteering to work over night last night when I was sick.  When one is sick, one needs sleep, and I don't think my mother reads this blog so I can be open and honest about my complete lack of common sense in this situation.  While laying in bed with depleted mental faculties, I figured it a good time to review a film that a friend of mine has requested, Titanic II.

Titanic II is brought to us by the only studio with balls enough to make an unofficial sequel to both the second highest grossing movie of all time, and, as well, to a well known actual tragedy.  How many people would attempt to pull off a sequel to a real life disaster?  A tall task for many, but just another day at work for The Asylum Studios, who made Titanic II and make a business out of doing such things.  They are kings of the 'mockbuster.' a movie that emulates a Hollywood blockbuster (a good example would be their movie about giant robots called, Transmorphers) and tries to lure people to select their movies through the art of deception and confusion.  They also make b-level creature features and adventure films.

Yes, I said 'b-level', and that is part of their business model.  They aim to make movies that have that certain cheese factor that can bring entertainment that Hollywood dares seldom attempt.  The theatre of the absurd is what they deal in, and they have honed their craft over the years.  They have realized that the best way to pull this off is with a seriousness and sincerity that leaves people who see their films unaware that they are intentional schlock.  A joke is sometimes at its greatest when it is hard to tell if it is even meant as a joke, and that is their approach - make b-movies that do not seem to be intentional, and pulling that off is actually a lot harder than it sounds. 

Some people are purists and only want their b-movies to be ones where the production team was actually trying for a great film, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I used to be one of those.  If I detected that a cheesy movie was trying to be so intentionally I would instantly decide that I did not like it.  When I watched Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, I was loving the low quality film until I noticed that it knew it was a comedy.  I have long since reconciled and have a DVD copy of this all time classic.  I have come to appreciate the art in creating the balance, having an audience unsure of what the intention is.  This is why I love Batman (1966) because of its devotion to the theatre of the absurd, and walking the line that leaves people laughing at it and not with it (which was the actual aim, so really they are laughing with it, I suppose).

Anywho, I have digressed from talking about Titanic II.  That's alright, because there is not a whole lot to talk about.  I am not meaning that disparagingly.  The concept of the film is that there is a ship made called Titanic II, and it is to commemorate the tragedy.  When the ship leaves the dock, we follow... well, it does not really matter too much, and my brain is too weak.  Ultimately, we have a seasoned Coast Guard Captain, a woman who works in Titanic II's infirmary (also the daughter of the seasoned Coast Guard Captain), and a billionaire playboy (former boyfriend of the woman who works in the infirmary, daughter of the seasoned Coast Guard Captain) who plays by his own rules and made the boat safe enough to barely pass inspection.  That's what you want when honouring the memory of one of the worst sea tragedies.

The spin that Titanic II takes over James Cameron's version is that instead of the boat traveling across the ocean towards the ice, the ice travels across the ocean towards the boat.  Up in the land of Greenland, where glacier researchers play, a glacier falls apart, creating awesome special effects, tragic special effects that kill glacier researchers, and a special effects tsunami that brings chunks of underwater ice towards the ship.  One of the keys to having fun in an Asylum production is in the special effects, which are masterfully not good at all, embarrassing really, and can cause a great deal of giggling on the part of the viewer.  They do not disappoint in Titanic II, as moments will cause some high level enjoyment for fans of such things.  I do need to note that this is the second movie of theirs that I am aware of that has civilization attacked by dastardly glaciers.  In Ice Age: 2012 (the mockbuster of 2012), a renegade formation of ice that played by its own rules, sped across North America and toppled all who were crazy enough to get in its way.  First was by land, Titanic II was by sea, as tsunami was its weapon.

Another key to a good movie of this kind is a symbiotic relationship that forms between quality of actors and quality of script.  You need talent that is decent enough to blend into the theatre of the absurd, but you also need a script that properly shows their limitations (unless they are really good and can make any line seem over dramatic.  All hail the king, Adam West.  I should also note that I saw an Asylum film where Ethan Suplee did a wonderful reading of his lines that would have people forget the fact that he is actually a good actor).  Basic dialogue is needed for most of the movie, sprinkled with emotional moments that are elevated enough to reach heights the talents cannot hit.  If the roles are cast properly, they will be unable to bring a charisma and presence which makes us not notice the basic, plain script (Morgan Freeman, for example, is the kind of person who could read the most boring thing and still be captivating.  It is important that the actors/actresses not be captivating).  As well, the moments of elevated emotion will be out of their reach and it will become very entertaining for the audience.  Titanic II did have a decent blend of acting and script.

Unfortunately, there were times when the special effects were too few and far between, and those moments of emotional impact were not present enough to really keep a great pace to the film.  It had its great moments, though, and that cannot be forgotten.  There is enough here to provide rainy day entertainment to a fan of the flop.  If you are not one to find the joy in cheesy movies, you need not watch.  You will not enjoy, and you will think I am a moron for taking my time to talk about this film.  At the core, it is all about entertainment, having a blast, and keeping a smile on the face of the viewer.  The Asylum makes some dreadfully painful movies, but some of them hit the mark really well, and this one is a lot closer to hitting the mark than it is to being painful.  It is no Captain Phillips, but even Tom Hanks would not be able to over come the hull-crushing devastation that low grade special effects tsunamis can bring.

Cheesy Movie Rating - 2.5 out of 4 stars