Conan the Barbarian (2011)

One thing that must be made known about the nature of the Scott is that he can, at times, choose crappy movies to watch.  This is an issue being addressed, as more and more movies of quality are being consumed for review and podcast purposes.  However, it still is a frequent occurrence.  Friday morning, for instance, brought about an opportunity to watch a film in peace and quiet which would allow the Scott to get ahead on some required viewings.  Having suffered a long day previously, an abnormally lengthy sleep had occurred, bringing about an unshakeable blurry-eyed grogginess which then lead to elevated levels of Scott-like thinking.  This, in turn, lead to decreased inhibitions, which in turn lead to poor decision making.  In short, there was an opportunity to watch something of deep content, but the Scott was tired.

And that's how Conan the Barbarian was selected.  In a mentally weakened state, it did seem like a movie that could be seen with very little intellectual expenditures, and indeed I was correct in thinking so.  We find our hero being born on the battle field, as Ron Pearlman (Conan's father) sees his pregnant wife stabbed in the belly during a war and then takes time out of fighting (with the clanging of swords and falling of comrades still happening all around him) to cesarean section the soon to be warrior from the womb of his dying wife, who now dies a lot faster because of the medical injuries suffered at the hands of her loving husband.

As it quite often seems to happen in movie battles, the characters are all of a sudden safe as they quietly have a moment of dialogue together.  I don't know about trained ancient warriors, but if I was in that battle, I would be walking around and stabbing all of the people having dramatic moments, not fighting the people who were trying to stab me back.

As Conan grows up we are introduced to our antagonist, a man who is in search of shards of a powerful mask.  One mask to rule them all, essentially.  The mask that was whole had been broken, and now the shards needed to be put back together.   So, on his quest to do so, Khalar Zym (the nefarious baddie) routes Conan's people and leaves much for the young sword wielder to be mad about.  Conan then becomes quite obsessed with finding this man and exacting his revenge.

One thing that was very apparent in this film was that every aspect was jacked up to the max.  The 3D elements were out of place and almost assaulting.  There were jacked up sound effects as people powerfully threw things (or people), caught items, or jumped.  There was a lot more blood than needed, exposed slave girl breasts that were not needed, and a whole slew of other things that were just thrown in there to set this film into overdrive.

As critical as I am sounding at the moment, and as ruthless as I originally wished I could be with this film, it actually almost pulled it off for me.  Everything was so over the top that there was actually a bit of fun to be had.  The action scenes were entertaining enough, and I was really having a blast during some of them.  The costumes looked great, there were some decent locations - all aspects that assisted me in forgetting how much I thought I should dislike this film.

The one thing that really ended up making it not a movie I could recommend was the casting of the lead.  I think that Jason Momoa had a great look for the role, but there really was a lacking of character past the reading of the lines and very little charisma to make me actually care about the fate of Conan.  I do understand that perhaps there was not a lot going for the original actor who played Conan (other than an enormous body), but he did have some personality and energy that was able to overcome a lack of acting ability.  With very little care for the lead character, it is just watching a bunch of scenes with no desire for any particular outcome, and that is something that cripples a movie.

For folks who want to watch a cheesy action movie from time to time, this may be a decent movie.  It does have a charm at times, and can be more fun than I wanted to admit.  Unfortunately, when you have nothing but indifference for the hero, it is hard to see the movie as completely worthwhile.

Rating - 2 out of 4 stars