REVIEW: Santa Claws

Children are interesting creatures.  They can sit through a feature length film, blissfully unaware of the fact that what they are watching is, in reality, slowly ripping apart their parents from within.  Yes, there may be shiny objects or cute, fuzzy animals on the screen.  These can be enough to capture the attention of a youngling, bringing them into some sort of odd state of curious entertainment arousal while the fix they are seeking is poison to any caregiver within twenty five feet.  While they giggle, we, the dying, cough and pray that it will mercifully be all over soon.

Kids can like crap.  It has always been that way, and it will never change.  Revisiting many of my childhood favourites has taught me that when it came to quality entertainment, I was as dumb as a strudel.  Because of this, movies like Santa Claws get made.  Brought to us by the mock-buster behemoth The Asylum, the cinematic goo that is hacked up onto the screen is a contagion meant to annihilate any mature, sentient being.

The movie is about a bunch of talking kittens, who end up causing Santa to have an allergic reaction which takes him out, leaving them to win the day and deliver all of the toys.  I'm not sure why this and a few other movies (if I am remembering them right) treat Santa the same as a pirate captain on an island fortress.  Just like that island pirate captain, whoever is able to defeat him gets to be in charge.  For some reason, this power structure also applies to Saint Nick.  Whatever person, or kitten, can neutralize him can have his job.

In this film, there are two adults that are jerks.  One is a mother, and the other is a neighbour who is infatuated with Santa and is a total creep.  Speaking of creeps, have you ever taken a second to really think about Santa Claus?  Let's face it, he is a creepy, bearded stranger that we have heard about through word of mouth, never hearing directly from someone who has seen him and lived to tell the tale, much like Keyser Soze.  He sneaks up on your household using silent transport before breaking into your home to pass judgement on your innocent little children, laughing with joy the entire time.  He will also eat any food you happen to leave out.

There is really not much interesting that happens in this movie.  Because it is made by The Asylum, the special effects are horrendous.  While that works to their favour in creature features, is is merely a contagious rash in Santa Claws.  Because of their low budget, we really only see the cats mouths 'moving' while they talk at the beginning of the film and then for a few times at the end.  Ninety eight percent of their dialogue happens when they are either off screen or are seen from an angle that would not show their mouth.

That's all of the actual film criticism I am going to give to this 'movie.'

I believe that too often studios are fine making children's movies that aren't great.  Well, maybe they don't need to be 'great,' but at least the people making the film should strive to make a good product.  The fact that some of these films are aimed at children intentionally keep from being polished isn't right.  Just because your children may not understand at this moment that the people making it didn't care about them, they will quickly learn it years later when they seek out that movie they enjoyed in their youth.  Children shouldn't be treated like idiots just because others can get away with it.  They should be treated with respect, and those creating the content should at least have some minimal desire that these children will still enjoy that film years later, creating an experience that will live in proper nostalgia for their lives.

Rating - 0.5 out of 4 stars

500 MPH Storm

Today is Thursday, and not just any Thursday, but the one which sees the opening of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, a film which will be contesting Iron Man 3 to be the biggest movie of the year.  While my wife (and proof reader, so heads up this could be a mess) is at the theatre taking in the extravaganza that is the story of Katniss Everdeen, I am at home trying to think of what could possibly be bigger than the sequel to The Hunger Games.

Brace yourselves, for the 500 MPH Storm is upon us.

I have reviewed some campy movies in the past, ones made by The Asylum Studios, and this is another such film.  The plot is around some sort of energy beam which causes storms.  Not just any storms, but big ass ones.  The kind that will rip you a new one, if you are not careful.  There is a family, and the father knows weather, so the movie follows them as they are humanity's only hope.  I think the army is involved... really, does the plot actually matter?  There is a 500mph storm involved!  That's what matters.

My father taught me when I was young about running serpentine to avoid gunfire (that lesson learned is thanks to The In-Laws), and it was nice to see this same strategy being implemented while driving a 4X4 to avoid a storm.  I guess driving in a direct line away from it, allowing for the most distance to be covered in the shortest amount of time, is not as smart as weaving all over the place.  By burning more gas and putting extra wear on the tires, the father was barely able to deliver his family from the death bringing hands of computer animated dangers being hurled from the deadly winds.

While talking about this film, there is no point talking about the acting, editing, or anything like that.  None of that is important, as this movie serves as almost a survival guide, using the actions of the characters to teach us what to do in such apocalyptic scenarios.  When the storm is destroying the city, the mother looks to get the upper hand by making sandwiches.  The teenage boy is convinced that if they can just get home (which they had to flee from because of the destruction and such) he can get on the internet and... we never get the end of his thought.  'Get on the internet and' - research what is going on?  Upload a virus into the storm?  We are never quite sure what he was gunning for.

The father's ultimate plan is to get to the top of a mountain, where no storm would dare try and get them.  The problem?  The reactor that makes the beam is going to melt down or something awesome like that, which will cause so many hurricanes that they would merge into a 'hypercane' - the dreaded 500 mph storm.  For having such a dire need to get to higher ground, they do a whole heck of a lot of not doing it, as they mostly talk about how crucial such action is.

When they finally get to 'higher ground,' the father drops them off at a safe location, which looks a lot like a low lying area (a shot later in the movie would confirm that the 'higher ground' is indeed in a valley) with plenty of loose objects that could fly around in event of high winds.  But, there are sticks laying around so the teenager can take a time out of this traumatic experience to practice his sweet stick fighting moves... to fight the hypercane?  Possibly, I suppose.  It turns out that his practicing was to no effect as he gets taken out by some airborne pine needles and a twig.

This movie has a metric ton of deadly special effects that people can run away from in slow motion.  In a movie with a quantified high speed in the title, we get slow motion... thanks for that, Asylum.  Wait, was not this dry, arid landscape flooded with raging water just one scene earlier?  Am I losing my mind?

I may have indeed been losing my mind, slowly, I may add, and not at the hypercane speed that I was promised.  The movie was a lot of fun, though it does slow down towards the end in an extended scene of what may be best described as high stakes geo-caching, as the family tries to triangulate the exact centre of the beastly storm.  Luckily for them, the exact centre of a near continent covering storm is within walking distance of the abandoned factory they are in, which was home to way too many scenes.

Well, if you are ever looking to kill some time in a lighthearted way then this is not an awful movie for that.  There are still plenty of better things you could do with your time, such as training in stick fighting as a form of disaster readiness.  Sigh... this is what I am talking about on the eve of one of the biggest movies of the year.

Cheesy Movie Rating - 3 out of 4 stars

Sharknado - Yep, There is Such a Movie

I swear my body hates me.  All was starting to look good with the exorcism of this hellish cold that I had last week, but it turns out that one can never count out a well motivated illness.  It is a very frustrating thing, although I should be happy that I do not have a runny nose.  That's always the worst.  It keeps you up at night and the constant sniffly faces the afflicted make while trying to keep the situation in check just ends up annoying everyone.  I am glad I am not one of 'those.'  On the anxiety front, it sucks.  It was an awful weekend which lead to me watching awful movies.  Crappy movies are my comfort food.  Chips as well... I like those a lot.

Today I am looking at the film Sharknado, which is about tornadoes full of sharks.  It's not a spoiler, the name kind of implies it.  It stars Beverly Hills: 90210 cast member Ian Ziering, who plays the lead role as Finley 'Fin' Shepard.  That dastardly global warming as caused all sorts of sharks to hang out just off the coast of Los Angeles when a hurricane pops in for a visit, heaving the cluster of sharks through the air and onto the shore.  As well, there is some flooding, so sharks end up on the streets and popping up through storm drains.  Don't even think of hiding, these sharks are adept at being hurled through windows and attacking people.  When such a catastrophe happens, who will save us?

Before I continue too far, I should mention that this movie was created by The Asylum Studios for the SyFy channel in the States and aired on the Space network in Canada.  It became somewhat of an instant sensation as celebrities started tweeting about it, followed by a few hundred thousand others.  Now, not all of those people were watching the movie during this Twitter storm that saw up to 5,000 tweets per minute, but who can stand idly by why a conversations about sharks in tornadoes happens?  Sharknado quickly became The Asylum's most well known movie, and has since seen actual theatre time for limited engagements.  Normally, their movies are all straight to video.

So, instead of trying to dissect the plot and talk about themes, I am more so going to look at if it lived up to the wide acclaim it got for being a great B-movie.  Personally, I think the main talking point around this movie was simply the concept.  We love chit chatting about the quirky things in life, and what could be quirkier than the premise of Sharknado.  It is what caused many people to want to join the bandwagon without even changing the channel.

As far as the film itself goes, they really held nothing back.  I remember reading an interview with Asylum executives who were talking about their normal special effect caps for movies (to keep the budget in check) but that they went way over their limit on this film.  This decision was very smart, because it is the horrid special effects that carry half of the workload of this film as we are treated to sights we never thought we would ever see, such as John Heard bashing a land bound shark over the dome with his bar stool (while people were grabbing guns to arm themselves, Heard took his stool).  Throughout the film, we are treated to more and more absurd visuals that can cause very infectious laughter.

The other half of the workload for this film is pretty much right on the back of Ian Ziering.  He really commits to this role... seriously, he goes all in and that is what makes it fun.  The philosophy of The Asylum is to take the movies seriously even though they are intentionally cheesy, and the former student of West Beverly Hills High School does just that.  His determination to this film adds a great layer of entertainment and over dramatic moments (my favourite).

Eventually, this film falls into the same trap that most B-movies enter where it is not evenly entertaining throughout.  Because the fun of these movies are those great scenes and moments that we laugh about and talk about with friends, it is hard for the movie to still be an equally entertaining throughout.  What we get are spikes in entertainment and then drop offs.  Don't get me wrong, the spikes in this movie rival most others and is a definite must see for fans of the cheese.

In the end, high expectations let me down.  I suppose I was expecting the Schindler's List of bad movies, and the film could not live up to that.  Really, the hype comes from the fact that it is a great concept that is fun to talk about, the Twitter hype train that rocketed it into media outlets like CNN, and the incredible moments of airborne sharks who make a plague of locusts look kind of tolerable.  If you have not seen it yet, it is available for rent and still has replays on Space and Syfy.  Check it out... think of it as education.  Survivorman teaches us great survival skills, but Mr Stroud has never educated us on surviving a predatory storm.  So dim the lights, grab a chainsaw, grab a bar stool, and learn how to protect your family in a worst case scenario.

Cheesy Movie Rating - 3 out of 4 stars

Deane's Pick: Titanic II

Two days ago I mentioned a brush with pestilence, and I am unhappy to announce that today I am feeling like I should be the victim of a government quarantine. It is my own fault for volunteering to work over night last night when I was sick.  When one is sick, one needs sleep, and I don't think my mother reads this blog so I can be open and honest about my complete lack of common sense in this situation.  While laying in bed with depleted mental faculties, I figured it a good time to review a film that a friend of mine has requested, Titanic II.

Titanic II is brought to us by the only studio with balls enough to make an unofficial sequel to both the second highest grossing movie of all time, and, as well, to a well known actual tragedy.  How many people would attempt to pull off a sequel to a real life disaster?  A tall task for many, but just another day at work for The Asylum Studios, who made Titanic II and make a business out of doing such things.  They are kings of the 'mockbuster.' a movie that emulates a Hollywood blockbuster (a good example would be their movie about giant robots called, Transmorphers) and tries to lure people to select their movies through the art of deception and confusion.  They also make b-level creature features and adventure films.

Yes, I said 'b-level', and that is part of their business model.  They aim to make movies that have that certain cheese factor that can bring entertainment that Hollywood dares seldom attempt.  The theatre of the absurd is what they deal in, and they have honed their craft over the years.  They have realized that the best way to pull this off is with a seriousness and sincerity that leaves people who see their films unaware that they are intentional schlock.  A joke is sometimes at its greatest when it is hard to tell if it is even meant as a joke, and that is their approach - make b-movies that do not seem to be intentional, and pulling that off is actually a lot harder than it sounds. 

Some people are purists and only want their b-movies to be ones where the production team was actually trying for a great film, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I used to be one of those.  If I detected that a cheesy movie was trying to be so intentionally I would instantly decide that I did not like it.  When I watched Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, I was loving the low quality film until I noticed that it knew it was a comedy.  I have long since reconciled and have a DVD copy of this all time classic.  I have come to appreciate the art in creating the balance, having an audience unsure of what the intention is.  This is why I love Batman (1966) because of its devotion to the theatre of the absurd, and walking the line that leaves people laughing at it and not with it (which was the actual aim, so really they are laughing with it, I suppose).

Anywho, I have digressed from talking about Titanic II.  That's alright, because there is not a whole lot to talk about.  I am not meaning that disparagingly.  The concept of the film is that there is a ship made called Titanic II, and it is to commemorate the tragedy.  When the ship leaves the dock, we follow... well, it does not really matter too much, and my brain is too weak.  Ultimately, we have a seasoned Coast Guard Captain, a woman who works in Titanic II's infirmary (also the daughter of the seasoned Coast Guard Captain), and a billionaire playboy (former boyfriend of the woman who works in the infirmary, daughter of the seasoned Coast Guard Captain) who plays by his own rules and made the boat safe enough to barely pass inspection.  That's what you want when honouring the memory of one of the worst sea tragedies.

The spin that Titanic II takes over James Cameron's version is that instead of the boat traveling across the ocean towards the ice, the ice travels across the ocean towards the boat.  Up in the land of Greenland, where glacier researchers play, a glacier falls apart, creating awesome special effects, tragic special effects that kill glacier researchers, and a special effects tsunami that brings chunks of underwater ice towards the ship.  One of the keys to having fun in an Asylum production is in the special effects, which are masterfully not good at all, embarrassing really, and can cause a great deal of giggling on the part of the viewer.  They do not disappoint in Titanic II, as moments will cause some high level enjoyment for fans of such things.  I do need to note that this is the second movie of theirs that I am aware of that has civilization attacked by dastardly glaciers.  In Ice Age: 2012 (the mockbuster of 2012), a renegade formation of ice that played by its own rules, sped across North America and toppled all who were crazy enough to get in its way.  First was by land, Titanic II was by sea, as tsunami was its weapon.

Another key to a good movie of this kind is a symbiotic relationship that forms between quality of actors and quality of script.  You need talent that is decent enough to blend into the theatre of the absurd, but you also need a script that properly shows their limitations (unless they are really good and can make any line seem over dramatic.  All hail the king, Adam West.  I should also note that I saw an Asylum film where Ethan Suplee did a wonderful reading of his lines that would have people forget the fact that he is actually a good actor).  Basic dialogue is needed for most of the movie, sprinkled with emotional moments that are elevated enough to reach heights the talents cannot hit.  If the roles are cast properly, they will be unable to bring a charisma and presence which makes us not notice the basic, plain script (Morgan Freeman, for example, is the kind of person who could read the most boring thing and still be captivating.  It is important that the actors/actresses not be captivating).  As well, the moments of elevated emotion will be out of their reach and it will become very entertaining for the audience.  Titanic II did have a decent blend of acting and script.

Unfortunately, there were times when the special effects were too few and far between, and those moments of emotional impact were not present enough to really keep a great pace to the film.  It had its great moments, though, and that cannot be forgotten.  There is enough here to provide rainy day entertainment to a fan of the flop.  If you are not one to find the joy in cheesy movies, you need not watch.  You will not enjoy, and you will think I am a moron for taking my time to talk about this film.  At the core, it is all about entertainment, having a blast, and keeping a smile on the face of the viewer.  The Asylum makes some dreadfully painful movies, but some of them hit the mark really well, and this one is a lot closer to hitting the mark than it is to being painful.  It is no Captain Phillips, but even Tom Hanks would not be able to over come the hull-crushing devastation that low grade special effects tsunamis can bring.

Cheesy Movie Rating - 2.5 out of 4 stars