12 Rounds 2: Reloaded

12 Rounds 2: Reloaded is a movie that a friend mentioned to me, and I decided to see it.  Technically, I cannot say that it was recommended to me, and so viewing it was something that I threw onto myself.  It was not even discussed with me in a positive light, and yet, I found myself carving out time in my daily routine to check it out.  There are still a lot of high calibre movies from the past year that I have been itching to see, but for some reason I chose to watch a WWE Studios movie starring the incredibly charismatic (sarcasm) professional wrestler, Randy Orton.  Well, he may be charismatic.  He burst onto the scene close to when I stopped watching regularly, and he seemed just like a lot of bulging muscles in not a lot of clothing.  Seriously, they have something called shorts.  They are comfortable, allow for athletic movement, are easy on the eye, and should always be considered over banana hammocks. 

I suppose what Orton sports are not really ‘banana hammocks,’ but more so a lycra looking version of what is commonly known as ‘tighty whities,’ but I think he does not go the route of wearing white ones.  Nope, I just Googled pictures of him, and they are black with tribal (yah, I know… he does not really look tribal himself) markings pointing towards his penis, which is thankfully concealed under the flexible, but way too tight, support of his briefs.  Actually, the man has a bunch of tribal tattoos on him, and that is something that I never understand.  I would never get Italian words tattooed on me, or even decaled on me, because I am not Italian and there would be no sane reason for me to pretend I was for some reason.   I guess that’s what Halloween is for, but a tattoo is a little too intense a costume commitment than I would like to make.  What is really up with all of these white guys buffing up and putting tribal tattoos on them?  It makes about as much sense as the fad white guys went through when they were putting Japanese characters on themselves.  Odd stuff, if you sit down and think about it.  Especially if someone is so committed to the identity ruse that they use it to highlight their junk.

Well, in 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded, Orton plays a paramedic, one who is professional and keeps an emergency med kit in his vehicle.  Even though he is supposed to be a pro, he gets quite frantic and is near flipping out while trying to assist people who were injured in a poorly coordinated stunt car crash.  This happens when he is on a date with his wife, and through all of this we learn some things about his character; he cares about people and wants to help them, he has a blond trophy wife, and he is a bad actor.  I think that’s about all we learn about him through the entire film, to be honest, I was barely paying attention by the end.

We quickly learn that Nick (Orton) has made an enemy who has seen the movie Speed way too many times, and goes Dennis Hopper all over Nick’s face by making him play a game with explosive consequences.  Dennis Hopper was a pretty sweet villain, but actor Brian Markinson was given little to nothing to go on, and thus proved to be a very sterile villain.  For some reason the baddie has his hide out in some industrial tunnel with thousands of dollars in technical equipment, while water is dripping from overhead pipes and covers the floor, leading me to question just how brilliant this man is.  I am pretty sure his living room would have been more comfortable, as well as providing easy access to a bathroom and the convenience of snacks from a nearby kitchen.

In general, I think this movie was just never, at any point in time, given a second thought and left all logic at the door.  The director, Roel Reine, seemed fine with things being as they were and really had an affection towards Speed.  Luckily, there were a number of other films that this movie took the time to steal from, such as The Dark Knight, Saw, and a Thai horror film (which is currently in the process of being remade for domestic audiences) 13 Beloved.  While I seem to be talking down about this film, I do need to admit that I have learned a few things about law enforcement.  First, I learned that after a  vehicle escapes a police road block carrying the kidnapped governor’s son (a vehicle every police car in the city is trying to capture), police officers are ordered to secure the perimeter (instead of being ordered to follow in pursuit), which makes no sense because there is no perimeter because the crime is speeding down the road away from them.  I also learned that if that high priority vehicle enters into a parking garage the police curse the situation, park their cars outside, and for some reason do not head inside.

Look, if you are looking for quality analysis on this film, I ain’t got it.  I was barely able to pay attention through the film, my brain was deteriorating as it progressed, and I think I lost my seven times table as a result.  It is not a good film, not even close to being a watchable film, what more needs to be said?  There is no critical committee that is prepared and equipped to measure and judge the merits of feces (although South Park would have you believe differently), because shit is shit.  That is all there is to it.  That’s what this film is.  It is a movie about a roid-raging, alpha male, paramedic (apparently first responders kick ass.  I saw the movie Age of Dinosaurs recently, and you would not believe what a fireman is capable of when confronted with thunder lizards) who is far from able to deliver his intense dramatic dialogue.  Save yourself, save your brain power.

Rating – 0.5 out of 4 stars