Windows: The abusive relationship I have not been able to leave

Perhaps it is the ultimate in geeky nature to get all poetic about a relationship with a computer.  I never would have ventured down such an alley, but a continued time of tribulation can bring someone to that brink.  Just trying to listen to music with one other program running appears too much for Microsoft to be capable of handling.  This, then, drove me to write about the abusive relatinoship that I have had for years.  Even as I prepare this post, my computer dissents and whirls in disgust at having to perform this simplest of tasks.

We now just sort of exist in an empty relationship

I look at you, you gaze deceitfully back at me as though you have something to say

But you don’t

At least nothing that I want to hear any longer

Is it possible that the flame has died?

That could only be said if a true spark ever existed

At the beginning, I had tried desperately to make things work

In all honesty, you showed some desire as well

But in the end you just kept pulling yourself further and further from me,

Constantly claiming you were improving,

All the while making my life more difficult

I look at myself and my hypocrisy in pointing this out, but you have let yourself go

Once you were quick and eager to participate

Now you linger while you hum and haw about the easiest decisions

This is nothing new

We have restarted the relationship many times, each to the same inevitable conclusion

A sluggish beast, you are

You should still be in your prime of your life,

But you process events with a slow calculation that betrays the improvements you have claimed

Am I burdening you to the point of exhaustion with my simple requests?

You ask me if I want you to seek solutions to your problems, and I have long given up that path

Your attempts meander for minutes on end and not once have ever provided explanation

Most days my coffee grows cold as I wait for you to respond

If I turn my back for fifteen minutes you threaten me with shutting yourself down,

Not really allowing my full input

I ask you to keep going, to journey with me

I will give you the rest you need if you properly communicate your need to upgrade your thoughts

But you keep silent until seizing up to a point of shutting me out completely,

Not even allowing me the opportunity to relieve you of your burdens

On our best days, when it feels like we have understanding, you stop listening to me

Once again, just like the million times before, I wait for you to respond

I attempt to make your life easier by removing the two or three responsibilities that must surely be aggravating you

In my efforts to make your life easier, your clouded mind stands still, not responding

Don’t you realize I am trying to help you out? Why won't you respond?!

Is not removing responsibilities something that should give you more energy?

Regardless of my motions to bring your needy complexity ease,

You still do not respond

A relationship should be a two way street, one where both parties have a say

Such a back and forth does not exist

You dictate when we can and cannot communicate

I am perhaps a fool for having stayed with you for so long,

But you are easier on my wallet than others

Through foul circumstances of life, I have been scraping the bottom

Each day is a struggle of anticipation and unknown outcome

Feeling the ground beneath my feet has taken months, and now there is motivation for life

A hopeful future in self-employment eases the days,

But I know that you will be there with me more than ever, and that fills me with dread

I have battled with you for three months to create an opportunity for some income

That is simply the first step in the journey.

A novel written and many more in the works amidst personal anxiety,

And the entire time you have conspired against me.

Should we not all deserve a new beginning?

I have given you five new beginnings, and five times you showed your eventual surrender into lethargy

Another cannot happen

I am not a stallion of physical appeal, so I feel out of place commenting on your appearance,

But you have become uglier than I ever thought you could

You are horrendously blotchy and covered in colourful makeup that tries to hide the fact that you have changed for the worse

I refuse moving forward with you

You don’t let me even listen to my music when I want to, let alone keep me calm and free from my crippling anxieties

I have long desired a much more appealing relationship, and I have spent many hours online dreaming of different options

My commitment to you has ended

I just need to find a way to obtain the Apple of my eye