Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Holy Smurf, I can't believe that I had watched it!

I am supposed to do a review for Smurfs 2.  I am also supposed to brush my teeth after each meal, not say anything if I have nothing nice to say, and not lay traps for the tooth fairy.  There is an abundance of things that I am 'supposed' to do and don't get around to doing.  Sadly, in the instance of the Smurfs movie, this is something that I need to be a man of my word on and do.

Like Sex and the City 2, Smurfs 2 is a movie that I was forced to watch and review do to having lost a bet.  Never bet again, that's my motto.  I have now seen two of the films that I am required to see, and I will think better of taking any more bets.

Now, you may be thinking that I just recently got around to seeing the movie about little blue trolls since I am writing about it, but you would be wrong.  I saw it a while ago.  Well over a month and a half ago, to be honest.  I just didn't want to do anything about it, because the movie does not deserve much attention from me.  However, the bet did require that I write a review, so I must.  Also, it is tormenting me in my sleep.

That's not a lie.  A few weeks ago I had a dream where I wrote the review of Smurfs 2 and got that magical little monkey off my back.  The problem is that it has been a while since I have seen the movie, and I don't want to have to watch it again for the sake of a review.  So, seeing as how the dream is more recent, I am going to review the dream that I had of reviewing Smurfs 2.

Okay, here goes...

Of all the introductions to a dream, there was nothing that stood out about this one.  It was typical for me.  Instead of blasting into life with a certain uniqueness, it more transformed and melded from the previous dream into a new one, no real beginning to signify the chapter that was about to unfold.  This, if anything, should be a fair warning to you that what you as the paying audience are about to witness has no solid understanding of the tone in which it should be spoken.

The setting was a drab one, that did not make much use of light.  It was my desk that I had since my teenage years, but set in the cabin from Secret Window.  Unfortunately for me, there was no John Turturro to stop by and give me a fine how do you do and kill my dream dog.  Nope, it was just me and my thoughts of the movie that dwelled inside the cabin.

For some reason, I took the strange technique of illuminating my thoughts onto a wall with an old projector, the kind that you used with clear sheets when you were in school.  At least, that is if you were in school during my day and age.  This made for Brendan Gleeson being turned into a duck by Gargamel very disjointed in appearance.  I cannot help but wonder at the direction that my subconscious brain was going for in this decision, but all I could do was sit back and hope for the best and that sanity would rule the day.

What amazed me about the script of this dream was that I remembered a great deal of information about the film.  I could quickly see that I knew that I didn't like the plot and wondered why the hell Smurfette put so much importance in her birthday.  All of the smurfs have a smurfing birthday, but nobody else seems to think that everything in the mystical realm of Smurf Village should be put on hold for the proclamation of entrance into the world.

Highlighted by my dream was the fact that I really felt like I needed to see the first Smurfs film for this whole thing to make sense.  There was a lot of reference to the first one, and while they did try and keep the viewer up to date with what was going on, all of the holes were not filled and there was a lot that I was left wondering about.  Like what the hell was Gargamel doing with smurfs in the first place?  He could create them, but not blue ones?  I don't get it.

I digress.  Here I am talking about the actual movie when I should be talking about the dream.

What puzzled me the most about the dream was when a cheetah clawed through the wall above my desk and started a preamble to a battle with me by shouting into an old-timey blow horn like a carnival barker.  I drew my sword and we danced the dance, with victory coming when the eagle with tank treads rolled up to say that I had won.

This sequence of events was delightful, but did not fit into the context of the dream proper, and seemed more a cheap attempt to liven up what was known to be a shoddy dream of a movie review.  The pieces of the review were scattered all around the desk, laying on the floor in visuals from the failed movie and review.  There was an attempt at the end of the dream to try and pull things together so that sense could be made of everything.  That too fell apart.  There was nothing left to hold onto.

And just like the movie, the dream left me wondering what had happened.  Not even Neil Patrick Harris could get me to reckon why this movie sold tickets or why I thought people would care about me reviewing a dream.

It's best to leave it alone now.  I'm not even going to proofread this.  I just need to celebrate that I believe I am done talking about Smurfs 2.


  1. Is Brendan Gleeson actually in the movie or did your dream just make the movie a whole lot better? I also think you should not only keep on taking bets but losing them too. I have many more movies that I'd love to cause you nightmares.

    1. He sure is in the movie, and he sure does get turned into a duck. I didn't make that part up. He spends the majority of the movie following Neil Patrick Harris around in duck form and talking about parenting. Something tells me that you keep a list of films that you would like me to see to find out if they would cause me nightmares

    2. I do not keep such a list, but thank you for the suggestion.

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I'm smarter than a bat. I know this because I caught the little jerk bat that got in my apartment, before immediately and inadvertently bringing him back in. So maybe I'm not smarter than a bat.