United Passions

Receiving a love letter is such a wonderful experience (unless the sign off consists of, 'I'm watching you').  It has been many years since I have received one, but the emotions that came from it are still present.  There was much gratification and warmth written in the words of the lady that would become my wife, and, to use the cliche, I felt like a million bucks.  Love letters, however, are much less sincere when you write them to yourself.

That is essentially what United Passions is.  It is the glorious and heroic tale of how FIFA came to existence and its rise to global financial awesomeness.  It is also funded mainly by FIFA (approximately ninety percent of its budget was covered by FIFA).  Interesting, no?  The source of the funding would indicate why watching this mess feels like sitting through an hour and fifty minutes of propaganda.

The timing of its release was fatefully appropriate, only a few weeks after the United States issued inditements for many top FIFA brass and a week after re-elected president Sepp Blatter claimed he was the president of everybody.  This helps shine a light on many of the misguided attempts throughout the film to show how this football association was all about the game.

Being 'all about the game,' the narrative focuses mostly about the goal to secure money.  While I am sure the business-minded backers at FIFA equate financial gain with success, the viewing audience who sees FIFA as a corrupt organization can't help but laugh at many of the scenes.  One of my favourite lines in the film, which shows such a lack of awareness from FIFA, is a representative from Uruguay mentioning how there is no limit to their resources, and that 'you (FIFA) need the money, we need the world championship.'

This is the central problem of a film overflowing with many problems (including actor Sam Neil not seeming to understand that Brazilians would not speak with a Spanish accent).  The script is one of the most horrendous ones I have encountered, and I have seen Troll 2 and Glen or Glenda.  I will criticize a movie for having expository dialogue and ham-fisted lines if there are, let's say, four to five instances.  That does not sound like a lot, but when there should not be even one, those five lines become eye-rollers and deal breakers.  In United Passions, if one played a drinking game where they had one ounce of beer every time there was expository dialogue or a ham-fisted line the person would be passed out by the time the credits roll.

Technically speaking, there is no merit to this film.  The editing is done in a way that is manipulative and with an agenda.  The music is doubly so.  I suppose there was some attempt at hair and make up, but not enough to season this spoiled and salmonella ridden dish to the point where someone would even want to sniff it.  The box office reflected this, with the film averaging $61 dollars per theatre the one and only weekend it was in release.  If there is a worse film than United Passions this year, I will probably end up crying.  The eyes and the mind can only take so much abuse.

Rating - 0 out of 4 stars