Starcrash

I had written this much earlier in the day, but then everything was put aside because of snow tires and potlucks.  Both of those are good reasons to be busy, especially the potluck.  When it was all done, I got a bit distracted from posting this because video games with a friend came a knockin.'  All of this is to say that here it finally is, after being proof read by some very tired and weary eyes...

While most of the movies that I watch are either seen in theatres, rented, borrowed, or on Netflix, it was Youtube that supplied the gem that is Starcrash for me.  When Star Wars arrived on the scene in 1977 it inspired the minds and imaginations of many people and had an effect on the science fiction genre.  It was this all-time classic movie that Starcrash was essentially attempting to rob, plunder, and pilfer, as it tried ever so hard to ride the coat tails of a film that had grabbed the public attention in such a way that it borders on mockbuster territory.

The film is about Stellar Star (Caroline Munro), who is a smuggler pilot, and her navigator Akton (Marjoe Gortner) who is… well, her smuggler navigator.  Essentially the duo is the equivalent to Han Solo and Chewbacca, but Akton is more than just a wookie who plots the course.  First, and most importantly, he sports the films best afro, one that cannot be defeated by conventional weaponry.  Secondly, he seems to have all sorts of crazy powers such as being able to see into the future, shooting asterisks from his eyes, and being unable to be killed when shot or bludgeoned over the head by a nasty villain.  He also wields a lightsaber, so he is part Luke Skywalker.  Even though the movie establishes him as being unbeatable, he perishes a slow and unstoppable death when his arm gets lightly seared by a lightsaber.

So, we have some smugglers who are then brought into the midst of a quest to save the galaxy and are aided by a robot named Elle.  He kind of combines the qualities of C3PO and R2D2 into one package that is also part Cajun Darth Vader, if that makes any sense to you.  If it does not, that’s alright because there is very little about this film that will make any sense at all.  Christopher Plummer is in it and plays the Emperor, a decent ruler if ever there was one.  His son, Prince Simon, is played by David Hasselhoff, who brings out the movie’s second best afro.  A rumour I heard is that Plummer got involved with this movie because it meant he could be in Venice for a few days.  I suppose I would do the same if given the chance.

Most campy movies have a few moments here or there that create memories for the viewer, instances that are so poorly executed that it baffles the mind and provides great deals of entertainment.  Starcrash has those moments in abundance, but what where it excels over most B-movies is the fact that it is never not laughably bad.  Every sentence, every delivery, every single scene brings about an embarrassing level of joy that makes this movie entertaining from start to finish.  That is extremely hard to come by with movies like this.

I could go into the specifics of the movie, but I doubt I would really do it justice.  I could try and describe the giant robotic amazon that attacks Stella, or an attempt could be made to try and mention all the unpractical intergalactic space-wear that Stella sports, but words would fail.  It really is a film that needs to be seen to be believed, as anything I could say may just be taken as hyperbole.  ‘Nothing could be that bad,’ I had told myself when I started watching it, but I really only needed to hear the first two or three lines of dialogue to know that my framework of cinematic failure was about to be stretched beyond belief.  While it is not as bad as some films that are made by people in their spare time with whatever gear they could assemble, this is a film that had Christopher Plummer in it which takes it to a whole other level of where the bar is set.  When he did this movie he already had a Primetime Emmy award and two other Emmy nominations to his name.

This is not a movie that I was able to find on Netflix or iTunes, but I did find it lurking around on YouTube.  If you are a fan of B-movies and have not seen this film before, you are in for a world of wonder and magic as you can follow the adventures of Stella Star, Akton, and Elle through a series of improbable scenes that you just have no reason to care about other than the fact that they are a symphony of unbelievable failures which will delight the side of you that enjoys watching disaster strike.  While it stole from Star Wars greatly, one could argue (very slightly) that it influenced Empire Strikes Back with Hoth and Cloud City.  That would be giving this film too much credit, though.  There is a reason why it is hard to find for rent, and that is because it is just that bad… and that is why you should watch it.

Cheesy Movie Rating – 4 out of 4 stars